She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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