Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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