I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
