Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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