Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i think i have herpe
just one?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
