dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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