I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
