period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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