i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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