Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Rumble strips road head = magical
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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