i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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