I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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