Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
