It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
