ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
