I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
