Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
