I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
