party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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