The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
