I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
