If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
