Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
