Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
