The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
