but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
