we're chasing vodka with high fives
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
