I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
nutella sex= disaster
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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