I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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