I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
