i was rollin on her like bob the builder
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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