Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
