i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
