Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
