all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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