Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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