my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
