I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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