I am puke
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
