I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
