can we get nightvision for the apartment?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
