I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
