shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
