hell yes lets make some ravioli
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
