If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
