there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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