Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
