I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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