remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
