Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i think i just lost a toe
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
