My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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